Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
