it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm at about main and main street
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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