People in love make me want to vomit
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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