she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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