do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Randomize
