first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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