it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
