I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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