My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
