Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Randomize
