i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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