my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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