3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
