remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
