I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
