Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
