If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
