so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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