I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
