i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
