Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
