I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
