Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
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