Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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