One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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