apparently the secret to your success is patron
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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