Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
