if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
