Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
