After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
