brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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