I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
