I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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