Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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