my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
