It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
So squirting runs in the family.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
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