So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
