I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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