okay pat passed out under dana's car
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
