Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
