Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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