I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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