i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize