he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
