If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
whose parrot is this?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
