My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
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