Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
