Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
