I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
