Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
