Umm I'm too high to move.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
third nipple confirmed
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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