If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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