there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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