I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
