Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
